It has become a tradition for the Bauer-side of the family to gather at my parents' house on Memorial Day (or the day before) for food, fun, laughs, brutal sarcasm, etc. This year, they took a break for various reasons, but I'd like to give a shout out to my dad who I love very dearly. Below is a photo of him from Memorial Day last year. Yes, that's right---he is, indeed, vacuuming the grill with a ShopVac. I love this picture for many reasons, but especially because it demonstrates my dad's intentions to be economical, no matter what the circumstance. Vacuuming rather than scraping saves time and kinetic energy, all the while getting bang for your buck with the ShopVac's versatility.
Part II
My friendships with girls/women/females over the years have perplexed me as I can never seem to maintain a close friendship. Over time, I have considered that my expectations for friendship are too high, or my definition differs, or I attach myself too soon to a person and then am easily disappointed with their "shortcomings". I can look back at situations and realize where things went astray, whether it was me digging myself my own hole, or just plain old-fashioned growing apart, or realizing months later that my first impression of the person was accurate.
For whatever reason over the past few months, I have been contemplating this issue more frequently. I won't go into ALL the aspects of my personality of which I am self-aware, but I will say that I realize it takes me a while (a long while) to truly open up to someone; and when I finally do, it is in cautious little pieces. Call this a trust issue, if you want. I'm still trying to figure it out. Anyways, this time last year, Becca (pictured above) came with me to our annual family Memorial Day celebration. We had become very close friends after working together for 2 years at UNF, visiting grad schools together in NC, and planning a trip to Europe to name a few.It has been about a year since I last spoke with Becca: there was no dramatic fall-out or concrete reason (from what I can gather) for the deterioration of our friendship. Sometimes, I wish there had been some ridiculous argument....something...because it was like one day, everything stopped for no apparent reason. Despite trying to discuss it a few times, Becca dismissed the idea and that was that.
I sat with my thumb up my butt for a while, wondering what the hell happened and how all that time and energy invested in this great thing just seemed to disappear without a second thought on the other person's end. I try not to let experiences like this sway me from creating new friendships, but it's hard. In my bitter state, I notice myself getting annoyed with people (girls, in particular) who have that bond. Juvenile, I know, but I can't help it at this point.
So, I don't really have a point to all of this, other than this time last year, I was hangin' with Becca talking about the place we were going to move into and our plans for Europe. To be cliche, it's funny how much changes in a year.
7 comments:
That picture of Dad is classic JB!
Girls are weird, Cath. I don't know what to tell you about the females and I am one. Sometimes people disappear out of our lives for no reason. All I can conclude when they vanish is that either A) this one is not about me or B) if it is about me, their time to impact my life is simply over. From the personality side, you have always been more of a dude magnet than a chick magnet when it comes to the 3 of us sisters. It's just part of your aura and everything is a trade off:
You've had a series of serious boyfriends, and good female friends who turn into fleeting friends. I've had a series of half serious guy relationships, a lot of dating in between and a strong group of female friends who won't budge! So, I struggle from the opposite standpoint. All we can do is embrace who we are and keep giving our best to others.
I am not saying that either of us will never have what we want, but that we must have extra patience with those things. And maybe it is how you relate to people that will drive the outcome. For instance, about half of my female friends are my age and the other half are twice my age. For some reason I relate to a wide age range. Maybe see how you relate to people and make that a starting point.
Love you!
I rem. that picture of your dad because Laura sent it to brian's phone last year, and we laughed and laughed! i love it!!
Now, friends...friends are hard to come by, I know. I had a great group of friends in college, and still keep up with most of them, but not on a daily basis as we used to ( marriage, babies, jobs--all that comes into play).
But, I also have another group of friends with kids, stay at home moms, and we see each other more.
It is hard to find someone with the qualities you want in a friend. Luckily, Brian was the friend I needed in college and you know where that one led...we got married.
So, dont fret over the situation. Take it as it comes. Enjoy life.
BUT remember that family will always be with you, and you cant get rid of us no matter how hard you may try--friends will come and go during your lifetime, but we will always be here for you :)
Love ya!
I've struggled with post-college friendships as well. As people get older, they become more distinct individuals. We become more confident about our quirks. In high school and college, people are still trying to find themselves, and in the meantime, they are often a bit of a blank slate. (this is my theory anyway)
I think when it comes to friendships now, I just have to go with the flow. The best thing to do is to not get angry over the "breakup" or resent the other person for not calling or whatever it is. I suppose my situation is unique because I'm talking about friends who live in different states now, and I probably won't be making any serious friends for a long time since I know I'll be moving. At any rate, I try to just appreciate the positives of different people. If I grow apart from someone, it doesn't mean we aren't friends. I can't assume that because someone doesn't call anymore that she doesn't like me. That's where resentment comes from.
On this note, two of my husband's uncles didn't speak to one another for quite some time. Eventually, they talked about it, and they both said, "Well, I didn't call you because you stopped calling me." They had built up animosity toward each other over nothing at all.
I've found my friendships are always based on shared interests and shared experiences.
Once one of those goes, the friendship evaporates. Usually, it's shared experiences. That's especially true of college friends. There are a few I keep in touch with, but only on a couple-times-a-year basis. And we're all content with that.
And shared interests (faith, family, film and other fs) are equally important to me.
You're at the age where you have transitioned from the college world to the real world. I felt the same lull... the world really doesn't have a solid place that doesn't end with the words "bar & grill" for young people without children.
Just stick with it. You'll find, when you're married and having kids (if that is what happens) that you'll have female friends for years because you'll be sharing interests (children and marriage) and experiences (raising children, maintaining your individuality) for at least 18 years, when the kids go off to college. :)
I love the fact that you are so honest about your self analysis. You're adorable.
lb-Good point about how I relate to people. You probably already know this, but it's always been easier for me to relate to adults than people my age. I haven't resisted that, per say, but I haven't necessarily fully embraced it over the years. Embracing it could make a huge difference.
ramsey's-I often think about the fact that our family is one-of-a-kind in our closeness. It's a beautiful thing to know that no matter what happens, there is this group of people who never fail you. Thanks for reminding me :)
kitkat-I often wonder about how the move affected your friendships in Jax and whether or not ya'll kept in touch. Initially with the Becca thing, I found myself resorting to resentment which I realized, after a point, was stupid.
pete-"the world really doesn't have a solid place that doesn't end with the words "bar & grill" for young people without children". haha! And I agree with your thoughts on shared interests. Some of the greatest friendships I made in college were because of painting, hanging shows together, etc. I think it's also about priorities too---as priorities have shifted, so have the dynamic of my frienships with my college buds.
In terms of my Jax friends, I've really only kept in touch with a few (including you). I had quite a few acquaintances but not a lot of close friends. I suppose it's easier for me to go with the flow because I keep a bit of distance with my friends since I've left college. Since graduating (the first time around) I've been married to the military, so I don't feel the need to create a close bond with anyone because I know they won't be in my life for long. It sounds sad, but it's just the way things are.
Hey Catherine. Just found your blog from LB's. A thought here: Your Grandfather use to say that as you go through life the sphere of influence...that which you effect and that which effects you...expands. It peaks when you have your own family and your children's friends become extended family. Once the children leave the nest, that sphere begins to shrink down smaller and smaller until you are left with just you and your spouse.
I wonder when I stand before the Lord, will He show me that and how my choices, reactions, and behaviors influenced others, positively or negatively?
It also highlights the importance of and need for having a spiritual community in our lives. They too, of like mind and heart, can expand the sphere and keep it expanded when the family grows and moves on.
Post a Comment