Hot, hot heat and Illusions

It's been so hot that going outside with any intention of staying sweat-free is futile, even for 5 minutes. I've decided to accept it rather than become annoyed. Summer, after all, is my favorite season. This is when I miss living 2 blocks away from the beach. At least there's a sea breeze there.

Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to nurture an interest in photography because I'd like to start incorporating collage into my paintings. Rather than cutting and pasting images from magazines, I'd rather take my own photos and use those. My friend, Rebecca, donated her old Nikon FM10 camera to the art program at SP. I decided to bring it home this summer and get a feel for it. With the help of my friends, Jennah and Patrick, I have a basic understanding of how to use the camera....more than just aim and shoot. Thanks, guys. After 2-3 weeks of shooting photos here and there (including a half-day trip to a state park in Palatka...hotter than balls and infested with mosquitoes), I dropped off my roll of film at Walgreens on *Saturday. With great excitement, I went to pick it up this morning only to be told that my roll was blank and that the photo tech had lost it. If your roll is blank, they are supposed to at least SHOW you it was blank. The manager offered me a free roll of film. Wow. That's redeeming. Realizing that an argument would be pointless, I left the store tearing up a bit.

*I should probably mention that when I dropped off my roll, there was a sign on the counter which informed customers that they were unable to process photos that day due to malfunctions with their machinery. It apologized for the inconvenience and promised that a technician would be out soon to repair it. The tool who took my roll (who I'm pretty sure was the culprit in f-ing up my film) was really nonchalant about it and said, "Yeah, I don't know, I just got here and they told me the machine is down."

So, after being angry what I've realized from this experience is my difficulty with letting go, especially when it comes to art and its process. It's the same type of feeling I had while in printmaking and graphic design courses at UNF. There is a certain point where you have to surrender to or accept the process and just let it run its course. With printmaking, there are so many variables; you can have a killer image, but if you inked your plate wrong or didn't wipe it correctly or the press isn't set at the right pressure, your print is going to turn out wrong. With graphic design, if the ink in the printer is off, all of your colors on the monitor will look nothing like what prints. And now, with photography, if someone messes up your film, that's it. Gone. Maybe this is why I'm attracted to painting and drawing: you have a little more control than other mediums. But it is just the illusion of control.

What I'm trying to say is, I need to let go. This explains a lot---this is why I've been all stopped up inside when it comes to art---this is why when I think about a portfolio for grad school, fuses in my brain short out---this is why I've painted over 4 different series that I've started over the past few months.

::sigh:: Serenity now.