It seems that all the numbness from ending my 5 yr. relationship 3 months ago is starting to wear off. Over the past few days, I've been sadder than a polar bear on a melting iceberg. Today, I seem to be coming out of it, a little, thanks to friends and family talking me through it. Monday was one of those ask-me-if-I'm-okay-and-I'll-burst-into-tears type of days. Haven't had one of those in a long time. But the good thing is that it has provoked me to squirt out some paint and create a little. Yay.
This sounds ridiculous but at 23, I in some ways feel like my life is already mapped out (I know this isn't true, but hey, it's how I've been feeling). I feel this way mostly because of some financial obligations that are preventing me from saving money that I'd like to put toward graduate school...possibly overseas...amongst other things. Additionally, at 23, there is a part of me that is tired of being responsible. Part of me wants some time to do nothing but paint, ride my bike around, walk my dog, yada yada, be a beatnik. At the same time, I know I feel most accomplished and "happy" when I am involved with something, be it a job or organization or whatever.
I suppose I have some more soul-searching to do. Who doesn't?
This sounds ridiculous but at 23, I in some ways feel like my life is already mapped out (I know this isn't true, but hey, it's how I've been feeling). I feel this way mostly because of some financial obligations that are preventing me from saving money that I'd like to put toward graduate school...possibly overseas...amongst other things. Additionally, at 23, there is a part of me that is tired of being responsible. Part of me wants some time to do nothing but paint, ride my bike around, walk my dog, yada yada, be a beatnik. At the same time, I know I feel most accomplished and "happy" when I am involved with something, be it a job or organization or whatever.
I suppose I have some more soul-searching to do. Who doesn't?
4 comments:
Hang in there, Cath. Sometimes emotions show up later on when things settle down. That is the time to be the strongest for yourself and I am confident you can do that. Good thing you're a painter - it's an emotional release!
Being responsible does suck. I have to find a way to give myself small breaks from feeling so much like a grown up. Maybe you should find a way to do that for yourself. In my opinion, we all work too much anyways. If you want to save for grad school or a trip, do it. Where there's a will, there's a way...and automatic funds transfers so that you can deposit money regularly into a savings account without even thinking about it.
"I can't get the trees...damn, I will kill everyone in the world!" -E.I.
I wish I had some sage advice to give you, but at almost-29, I'm still dealing with those same feelings of predestination and financial limitations. I wish I didn't have to work, so I could be free to do whatever I wanted (which might include a paying job and might not), but having the obligation does ensure that I'll stay busy. I have plenty of other obligations too: marriage, living the "military" lifestyle, etc. So, it only gets worse as you get older. It feels like more and more limitations. And it is...but there are opportunities too. I think most the things I had planned out in my mind aren't or never would be as cool as the things that actually ended up happening (if I was paying attention anyway).
I hope your painting helps you through this time and the times to come. It's good therapy, and maybe, if it's anything like writing, you'll come to some new conclusions about things too.
LB-"Don't give up your independence unless it feels so right. Nothing good comes easily. Sometimes you've got to fight"
kitkat-Thank you for your insight. Your comment about working: "but having the obligation does ensure that I'll stay busy"...that's exactly how I feel too. Part of me wants all the time in the world to do whatever the heck I want. But I know that my other half thrives on having some kind of agenda or schedule so that I actually stay busy and avoid slumping into total non-productivity. About painting-I could say I'm frustrated with it, but the more honest answer is that I'm frustrated with myself for not doing it consistently. I know you know how that goes with writing.
I have felt like this so many times. I wonder what it is that keeps me going and allows me to look on the positive side of situations. I believe it is the type of people we are. Stronge women. Responsibility is just part of us. We cant escape it. Perhaps it is the artist in us. I wonder if Van Gogh or Da Vinci felt this way?!
Post a Comment