I had a dream the other night about a house. It was an old, two-story like the ones in Riverside with sizeable back and side yards. In the yard was an endless amount of junk...bird fountains, statues, lounge chairs, flower pots, mosaic tiles (stuff that seemed like junk because there was so much of it cluttered throughout).
The first level of this house was where I lived; I was renting, I believe. And I hated it. More junk in every corner and open space, dirty linens, musty towels and rags bunched up on shelves (note: a pet peeve of mine is when people leave damp towels/rags in a heap), papasan and mamasan chairs without cushions, dusty pillows, furniture everywhere. In short, it looked like a very unorganized thrift or antique store, invading every room and making it impossible to feel at home. I remember feeling frustrated because after all, this house had incredible square footage but no where to actually "live".
The second floor did not belong to me. In fact, I didn't have access to it. But somehow, I managed to scale part of the exterior, brick wall and pull myself up to peak in the window. There were no screens or glass, only a plastic dropcloth taped to the top of the sill, letting the breeze blow it around. For a moment, the breeze blew the plastic up so that I could see inside. The moment I saw inside, I felt at peace. And I had this great desire for that space to be mine instead of the first floor. What was on this second floor? Well, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just an empty, slightly dusty large, sunny space through which the breeze could blow. I wanted to yell "Sanctuary!"
I'm not one to interpret dreams, but this one seems like a big, fat metaphor for what's been going on over the past few months. Lots of housekeeping/housecleaning with personal baggage, friendships, relationships, excess, attachment, detachment, etc. I can only assume that the 2nd floor symbolized the simplicity and openness that comes along with letting go, and I think that's why I yearned for it so much in my dream. I could go on, but I'll leave it at that.
8.16.2009
8.07.2009
Routines
There's this old woman who walks up and down the main strip in San Marco at night. I've seen her several times now. It is guaranteed that she will make her way to the San Marco Theatre, stand outside the main doors and peer inside at the person manning the cash register. She's always wearing the same thing: a large-floral print, button-down shirt with an ankle length navy blue skirt and loafers. Her gray hair is in a loose, low bun and her glasses sit a bit crooked on her nose. Her leathery arms are always folded. I discovered by eavesdropping at the theatre that she asks, everyday, to see a movie for free, even if it's the same movie. After all, SMT only plays one movie per night, two per day if they're feeling ambitious. So, she stands there staring at the owners until they cave in or until they outwardly deny her access.
I wonder where this woman is from, how she got here, why she always wears the same clothes, why I only see her at night, and if she has a place to stay. And she probably wonders why I'm always at the same Starbucks sketching...that is, if she even notices. She doesn't seem to see anything except for what's directly in front of her.
Over the past few months, I've become more and more curious about the bums (or those who seem like bums) around Riverside and San Marco. I see the same ones almost every day, and when I don't see them for a while, I worry that they're not alive anymore or that they've been hurt. This is especially true for the black man I see stumbling up and down Stockton, always carrying a big trash bag and wearing shoes that barely have a sole and a striped shirt that looks like it used to be gray and white horizontal stripes; now it's just brown. He's always wandering halfway in the south-bound lane, traffic having to purposefully avoid him. He worries me the most.
I have half a mind to stop and ask all those same questions I'd like to ask that woman, but things like common sense and fear stop that from happening. Still, I can't help my curiosity and my desire to know what it is they need. I'd like to photograph them and write their story, but that just seems like exploitation.
I wonder where this woman is from, how she got here, why she always wears the same clothes, why I only see her at night, and if she has a place to stay. And she probably wonders why I'm always at the same Starbucks sketching...that is, if she even notices. She doesn't seem to see anything except for what's directly in front of her.
Over the past few months, I've become more and more curious about the bums (or those who seem like bums) around Riverside and San Marco. I see the same ones almost every day, and when I don't see them for a while, I worry that they're not alive anymore or that they've been hurt. This is especially true for the black man I see stumbling up and down Stockton, always carrying a big trash bag and wearing shoes that barely have a sole and a striped shirt that looks like it used to be gray and white horizontal stripes; now it's just brown. He's always wandering halfway in the south-bound lane, traffic having to purposefully avoid him. He worries me the most.
I have half a mind to stop and ask all those same questions I'd like to ask that woman, but things like common sense and fear stop that from happening. Still, I can't help my curiosity and my desire to know what it is they need. I'd like to photograph them and write their story, but that just seems like exploitation.
8.05.2009
What's in your car?
After spending an evening with my dear friend, Aubree, I walked back to my car in the Town Center parking lot. As I unlocked the door, I looked in my window and realized how much stuff I have in my front and back seats; it's not necessarily valuable stuff, but stuff nonetheless and stuff that can tell a complete stranger a lot about me. Yoga mat, FTCE Professional Educator Study Guide, Starbucks cup, dog toy, sunblock, and drawing books, are just a few items.
So I have to ask, what's in your car? What does it say about you?
So I have to ask, what's in your car? What does it say about you?
7.31.2009
Why Not?
More sketches from the past few days:
Possibilities:
I've decided to stop putting my life in a box---to scrap "the plan" and be open to other paths instead of the one I feel, most times, like I must follow because of financial obligations or personal limitations which don't actually exist. I feel like I've made this list before...maybe only in my head. -intern at NYC MOMA for a season (assuming I apply & get accepted)
-go to graduate school to get my MFA in painting and drawing (assuming the same thing)
-enroll in the teacher certification program at M Body so that I can teach yoga
-move to Austin and do the yoga TCP @ the baptiste affiliate studio there instead of here; look into UT's MFA program
-move to NYC to teach yoga at a baptiste affiliate studio (they actually have an instructor position open)
-finish my 3rd yr. of teaching art to get my professional teaching certificate, making it easier to get a teaching job elsewhere
-go back to school and get my doctorate in physical therapy (hello, 5 yrs. of school)
-become a full-time artist traveling and selling work at various art expos/festivals
-do something in botany
-look into film school
7.27.2009
More & More Sketches
I suppose these are from lastest to oldest. Not to say that these are "finished", but some of these look half done because people moved while I was drawing them (how dare they!). I like doing contour drawing, but it's difficult to do in a public setting because I'm not paying these people to model for me :) They could move at any instant. This is why gesture drawing is more ideal in those situations.
I think I've mentioned before that drawing out in public reminds me of my trip to Venice, Italy: people come behind you and peer over your shoulder without saying a word. People's reactions are interesting and sometimes peculiar. I especially love when people say things like, "Hey, I have this photo of me and my dog. Can you draw it?"
Anyways, more later.
ps-apologies for the crappy photo quality of these sketches.
6.24.2009
More Sketches
Okay, so my perspective is way off on some of these, particulary the one where it looks like the women's bowl and cup are about to fall off the table. Oh well. The other morning, I biked downtown and sketch part of the Main Street bridge. Landscape/cityscape isn't my thing, but I acutally enjoyed doing that sketch.
6.22.2009
Hot, hot heat and Illusions
It's been so hot that going outside with any intention of staying sweat-free is futile, even for 5 minutes. I've decided to accept it rather than become annoyed. Summer, after all, is my favorite season. This is when I miss living 2 blocks away from the beach. At least there's a sea breeze there.
Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to nurture an interest in photography because I'd like to start incorporating collage into my paintings. Rather than cutting and pasting images from magazines, I'd rather take my own photos and use those. My friend, Rebecca, donated her old Nikon FM10 camera to the art program at SP. I decided to bring it home this summer and get a feel for it. With the help of my friends, Jennah and Patrick, I have a basic understanding of how to use the camera....more than just aim and shoot. Thanks, guys. After 2-3 weeks of shooting photos here and there (including a half-day trip to a state park in Palatka...hotter than balls and infested with mosquitoes), I dropped off my roll of film at Walgreens on *Saturday. With great excitement, I went to pick it up this morning only to be told that my roll was blank and that the photo tech had lost it. If your roll is blank, they are supposed to at least SHOW you it was blank. The manager offered me a free roll of film. Wow. That's redeeming. Realizing that an argument would be pointless, I left the store tearing up a bit.
*I should probably mention that when I dropped off my roll, there was a sign on the counter which informed customers that they were unable to process photos that day due to malfunctions with their machinery. It apologized for the inconvenience and promised that a technician would be out soon to repair it. The tool who took my roll (who I'm pretty sure was the culprit in f-ing up my film) was really nonchalant about it and said, "Yeah, I don't know, I just got here and they told me the machine is down."
So, after being angry what I've realized from this experience is my difficulty with letting go, especially when it comes to art and its process. It's the same type of feeling I had while in printmaking and graphic design courses at UNF. There is a certain point where you have to surrender to or accept the process and just let it run its course. With printmaking, there are so many variables; you can have a killer image, but if you inked your plate wrong or didn't wipe it correctly or the press isn't set at the right pressure, your print is going to turn out wrong. With graphic design, if the ink in the printer is off, all of your colors on the monitor will look nothing like what prints. And now, with photography, if someone messes up your film, that's it. Gone. Maybe this is why I'm attracted to painting and drawing: you have a little more control than other mediums. But it is just the illusion of control.
What I'm trying to say is, I need to let go. This explains a lot---this is why I've been all stopped up inside when it comes to art---this is why when I think about a portfolio for grad school, fuses in my brain short out---this is why I've painted over 4 different series that I've started over the past few months.
::sigh:: Serenity now.
Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to nurture an interest in photography because I'd like to start incorporating collage into my paintings. Rather than cutting and pasting images from magazines, I'd rather take my own photos and use those. My friend, Rebecca, donated her old Nikon FM10 camera to the art program at SP. I decided to bring it home this summer and get a feel for it. With the help of my friends, Jennah and Patrick, I have a basic understanding of how to use the camera....more than just aim and shoot. Thanks, guys. After 2-3 weeks of shooting photos here and there (including a half-day trip to a state park in Palatka...hotter than balls and infested with mosquitoes), I dropped off my roll of film at Walgreens on *Saturday. With great excitement, I went to pick it up this morning only to be told that my roll was blank and that the photo tech had lost it. If your roll is blank, they are supposed to at least SHOW you it was blank. The manager offered me a free roll of film. Wow. That's redeeming. Realizing that an argument would be pointless, I left the store tearing up a bit.
*I should probably mention that when I dropped off my roll, there was a sign on the counter which informed customers that they were unable to process photos that day due to malfunctions with their machinery. It apologized for the inconvenience and promised that a technician would be out soon to repair it. The tool who took my roll (who I'm pretty sure was the culprit in f-ing up my film) was really nonchalant about it and said, "Yeah, I don't know, I just got here and they told me the machine is down."
So, after being angry what I've realized from this experience is my difficulty with letting go, especially when it comes to art and its process. It's the same type of feeling I had while in printmaking and graphic design courses at UNF. There is a certain point where you have to surrender to or accept the process and just let it run its course. With printmaking, there are so many variables; you can have a killer image, but if you inked your plate wrong or didn't wipe it correctly or the press isn't set at the right pressure, your print is going to turn out wrong. With graphic design, if the ink in the printer is off, all of your colors on the monitor will look nothing like what prints. And now, with photography, if someone messes up your film, that's it. Gone. Maybe this is why I'm attracted to painting and drawing: you have a little more control than other mediums. But it is just the illusion of control.
What I'm trying to say is, I need to let go. This explains a lot---this is why I've been all stopped up inside when it comes to art---this is why when I think about a portfolio for grad school, fuses in my brain short out---this is why I've painted over 4 different series that I've started over the past few months.
::sigh:: Serenity now.
6.20.2009
Sketches: 06.16-06.20.2009
Here are some sketches from the past few days. Boy am I rusty on depicting the human figure. Yikes. I'll get there.
It feels incredible to be out sketching on site. It reminds me of being in Venice, Italy, sketching in restaurants and piazzas all day. I had forgotten how good it feels to use your sketchbook as a camera to capture an environment, people or no people.
Apologies for the crappy scanning job. And I thought I had cropped out the edges of my sketchbook. I'd also like to thank blogger for taking at least 8 minutes to upload each sketch.
Al's Pizza
Biscotti's
Cool Moose.
I had to get some bloodwork done the other morning. This sketch was done while sitting in the waiting room @ Quest Diagnostics; this was a very small room with about 40 chairs, uncomfortably close, facing a small television at the front of the room. They should have lined the perimeter of the room with chairs, and then put the remaining seats back-to-back in pods in the middle of the room. This is what goes through my head.
Starbucks in Riverside
Starbucks in Riverside
This is the same girl, two times. After the first sketch, I wanted one zoomed in bit more .
It feels incredible to be out sketching on site. It reminds me of being in Venice, Italy, sketching in restaurants and piazzas all day. I had forgotten how good it feels to use your sketchbook as a camera to capture an environment, people or no people.
Apologies for the crappy scanning job. And I thought I had cropped out the edges of my sketchbook. I'd also like to thank blogger for taking at least 8 minutes to upload each sketch.
Al's Pizza
Biscotti's
Cool Moose.
I had to get some bloodwork done the other morning. This sketch was done while sitting in the waiting room @ Quest Diagnostics; this was a very small room with about 40 chairs, uncomfortably close, facing a small television at the front of the room. They should have lined the perimeter of the room with chairs, and then put the remaining seats back-to-back in pods in the middle of the room. This is what goes through my head. 
Starbucks in Riverside
Starbucks in Riverside
This is the same girl, two times. After the first sketch, I wanted one zoomed in bit more .
Starbucks in Riverside.
6.14.2009
Responsibility
I've decided to make a schedule for the summer so that I don't sleep it away (very tempting).
Main Goals:
-create a solid portfolio for this fall's grad school application & work on my artist's statement
-yoga at least every other day
-continue and complete the P90X program (Uncle Pete, "I hate it, but I love it!)
-start training for a 5K
-re-visit some art criticism texts and critique some art shows
-travel somewhere (be it a day trip or longer)
-brainstorm ideas for the '09-'10 school year
*create assessments for each grade level
-take advantage of free Cummer admission to draw in the gardens/galleries
-learn new recipes & eat less crap
Daily routine should include:
-exercise (part of this needs to include Sam)
-sketching (from observation in public)
-painting
-writing (journaling, blogging, or whatever)
-reading
-cooking (I need to eat out less)
-drinking lots of water
There. It's in writing. Now I have to follow through.
Main Goals:
-create a solid portfolio for this fall's grad school application & work on my artist's statement
-yoga at least every other day
-continue and complete the P90X program (Uncle Pete, "I hate it, but I love it!)
-start training for a 5K
-re-visit some art criticism texts and critique some art shows
-travel somewhere (be it a day trip or longer)
-brainstorm ideas for the '09-'10 school year
*create assessments for each grade level
-take advantage of free Cummer admission to draw in the gardens/galleries
-learn new recipes & eat less crap
Daily routine should include:
-exercise (part of this needs to include Sam)
-sketching (from observation in public)
-painting
-writing (journaling, blogging, or whatever)
-reading
-cooking (I need to eat out less)
-drinking lots of water
There. It's in writing. Now I have to follow through.
6.07.2009
Mistake: More than you ever wanted to know about the movie, "Waitress"
I saw this movie in the theatre when it came out a few years ago. Recently, I purchased a used copy of it at MovieStop thinking that I really enjoyed this film. After watching it last night, I remembered that I didn't think it was all that great in the first place. This movie could have been pretty cool, but it failed somewhat miserably. Why? There is an outstanding lack of motivation in the storyline & characters. The viewer is expected to just accept the characters' shortcomings, flaws, decisions, depressing situations, etc. without any background information. It's hard to have a relationship with the characters because of this. They are believable but only within the realm of the movie itself...it's virtually impossible to see them as being potential, real-life people. Now, if this was some fantasy movie, I'd be sympathetic, but it's not. Therefore it's troublesome that poor, little, waitress Jenna in a small town married to an awful excuse for a man is expected to be believable.
It's also difficult to see her relationship with her husband as believable. Earl, so incredibly selfish and needy, who scripts what Jenna should say and do to show affection, doesn't ever seem to pick up on her blatant sarcasm. Ever. Perhaps if they had given more background on how they met/why they got married/why they're still together, this wouldn't have seemed so out of place.
And then there's Jenna's relationship with her doctor. Again, there's no motivation for him to be having an affair with Jenna, other than physical attraction. But the movie tries to make his attraction to her more substantial than that. The portrayal of the doctor's wife gives the viewer no reason to dislike her or to see any reason why he's unhappy in his marriage.
Overall, this movie is unconvincing. While I like the idea, it simply doesn't read the way the director intended, perhaps.
Still, there are some things I adore about this film.
-the palette.
-the scenes that show her making pies or imagining new recipes.
-when she discovers how wonderful it feels to talk to someone who genuinely cares to listen.
-the moment she holds her daughter for the first time
That's it.
5.28.2009
Thankful Thursday
Kitkat, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon of thankfulness. I think it'll be good for me to make a conscious effort to be thankful.
So, I am thankful for the Chartrand family and their foundation. I am thankful that they are such charismatic and committed advocates for the success of our school and the other parts of the New Town Success Zone. Thanks to them, we have about 30 partners involved in this area and it will continue to grow.
At a "thank you" gathering tonight, Mr. Chartrand said a few words. His most profound were, "We strongly believe that one of the most effective ways to end the cycle of poverty is through education." Mr. Chartrand, you read my mind! Thank goodness someone with the means to help understands this.
I am also thankful for my job. It has made me grow as a teacher, person, and professional. Doesn't get more real than that.
So, I am thankful for the Chartrand family and their foundation. I am thankful that they are such charismatic and committed advocates for the success of our school and the other parts of the New Town Success Zone. Thanks to them, we have about 30 partners involved in this area and it will continue to grow.
At a "thank you" gathering tonight, Mr. Chartrand said a few words. His most profound were, "We strongly believe that one of the most effective ways to end the cycle of poverty is through education." Mr. Chartrand, you read my mind! Thank goodness someone with the means to help understands this.
I am also thankful for my job. It has made me grow as a teacher, person, and professional. Doesn't get more real than that.
5.23.2009
Forecast: Reality
It's been rainy for the past 7 days. And 5 of the 7 days, it rained without letting up. Normally, consistent gloomy weather puts me in a funk, but this time around, it hasn't bothered me. It's actually been kind of enjoyable. Maybe I CAN live in Seattle...? Wishful thinking.
One of my friends is a choir director at a brand new high school in St. Johns County. His students had their final performance Monday evening, so I decided to check it out. After driving through miles and miles of gated communities with perfectly pruned lawns and cookie-cutter houses in suburbia hell, I made it to the school. Before I get on my soap box, I want to say that he and his students did a wonderful job.
My 45 minute experience at this school gave me reverse culture shock (is there such a thing?). And being there pissed me off. How little progress we have made in closing the gap between white, privileged communities and poor, ghetto, black communities AND each one's relationship to education. Explain to me why the county (St. Johns or Duval, it doesn't matter) has the money to build brand new schools in white suburbia but can't afford to repair the infrastructure of older schools (like mine) that are infested with roaches & rats, have playgrounds not up to code, and classrooms that flood on a regular basis. What are their intentions, really? Keep building new schools in safer parts of town so that the inner-city schools will eventually fail (academically, structurally, communally etc.)?
Did you know that DCPS has made the following a requirement: in order to be a candidate to serve on the DCPS school board, you MUST have administrative experience in a Title I school (eh-hem, a school like mine). So, are we planning on Title I schools being around for a long time, i.e., not helping the poverty-stricken communities around those schools so that potential administrators and potential board members can get their rough and tough, hard-core, real-life inner-city experience? That's like saying, "We're counting on you to fail! so that our people can reap a special experience from your shitty, low FCAT score, high-crime, low parent involvement reality!" Okay, okay, let me be rational for a moment: maybe they're just trying to get fair representation from various schools.
I can't say that the lives of my friend's students aren't AS REAL as the lives of my students. They are both equally real. And I can't blame his students for being born into that reality, just as I can't blame my students for their situation. It is what it is. But I feel like I can blame the public education system for making those realities so foreign to each other and mainting the age-old divide between the rich and the poor. I am convinced that one of the biggest causes of poverty is lack of education. I believe that. And I also believe that people should have to work for what they want instead of receiving hand outs. But when you're trying to do that in a system that sets you up to fail, what's the point? I can see why those people would feel that their efforts are futile.
Ugh. I could say more, but my adrenaline is waning. Lucky you :)
One of my friends is a choir director at a brand new high school in St. Johns County. His students had their final performance Monday evening, so I decided to check it out. After driving through miles and miles of gated communities with perfectly pruned lawns and cookie-cutter houses in suburbia hell, I made it to the school. Before I get on my soap box, I want to say that he and his students did a wonderful job.
My 45 minute experience at this school gave me reverse culture shock (is there such a thing?). And being there pissed me off. How little progress we have made in closing the gap between white, privileged communities and poor, ghetto, black communities AND each one's relationship to education. Explain to me why the county (St. Johns or Duval, it doesn't matter) has the money to build brand new schools in white suburbia but can't afford to repair the infrastructure of older schools (like mine) that are infested with roaches & rats, have playgrounds not up to code, and classrooms that flood on a regular basis. What are their intentions, really? Keep building new schools in safer parts of town so that the inner-city schools will eventually fail (academically, structurally, communally etc.)?
Did you know that DCPS has made the following a requirement: in order to be a candidate to serve on the DCPS school board, you MUST have administrative experience in a Title I school (eh-hem, a school like mine). So, are we planning on Title I schools being around for a long time, i.e., not helping the poverty-stricken communities around those schools so that potential administrators and potential board members can get their rough and tough, hard-core, real-life inner-city experience? That's like saying, "We're counting on you to fail! so that our people can reap a special experience from your shitty, low FCAT score, high-crime, low parent involvement reality!" Okay, okay, let me be rational for a moment: maybe they're just trying to get fair representation from various schools.
I can't say that the lives of my friend's students aren't AS REAL as the lives of my students. They are both equally real. And I can't blame his students for being born into that reality, just as I can't blame my students for their situation. It is what it is. But I feel like I can blame the public education system for making those realities so foreign to each other and mainting the age-old divide between the rich and the poor. I am convinced that one of the biggest causes of poverty is lack of education. I believe that. And I also believe that people should have to work for what they want instead of receiving hand outs. But when you're trying to do that in a system that sets you up to fail, what's the point? I can see why those people would feel that their efforts are futile.
Ugh. I could say more, but my adrenaline is waning. Lucky you :)
5.17.2009
Scattered Post
Last week:
There are 13.5 days left of school. I couldn't be happier about this, especially after last week which was Fine Arts Week. While the week was very successful and fun for the students, there were many unnecessary head-butting incidents with adults which pushed me over the edge. So, I have a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm too tired to explain the week in its entirety but there are pictures on Facebook if you are interested in seeing the students doing Pollock painting, mosaics, and the final performance.
Friends:
I am truly thankful for the people in my life in Jacksonville. I've come to know some really genuine, loyal people here who have become a second family, and I appreciate them with all of my heart.
This summer:
With Fine Arts Week behind me, I am ready to dive in to my goals for the summer which mainly involve heavily researching graduate schools and working on my porfolio. I'm going to apply again this fall so that I can hopefully get in for the Fall 2010 term.
There are 13.5 days left of school. I couldn't be happier about this, especially after last week which was Fine Arts Week. While the week was very successful and fun for the students, there were many unnecessary head-butting incidents with adults which pushed me over the edge. So, I have a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm too tired to explain the week in its entirety but there are pictures on Facebook if you are interested in seeing the students doing Pollock painting, mosaics, and the final performance.
Friends:
I am truly thankful for the people in my life in Jacksonville. I've come to know some really genuine, loyal people here who have become a second family, and I appreciate them with all of my heart.
This summer:
With Fine Arts Week behind me, I am ready to dive in to my goals for the summer which mainly involve heavily researching graduate schools and working on my porfolio. I'm going to apply again this fall so that I can hopefully get in for the Fall 2010 term.
5.04.2009
Spoiler
If you haven't seen The Soloist yet and don't want any part of it ruined, then you probably shouldn't read this.
Speaking of real, this movie was a little too real for me at certain points. I cried at 2 parts, and no, it wasn't during the part when Lopez gives Ayers the cello and he plays in the tunnel or when Ayers gets into Juilliard. There's a very tender-hearted flashback which shows Ayers's mother coming down to the basement where her son sleeps. In so many words, she tells him that music is his way out of that neighborhood. It reminded me so much of my students and their situations; no one really says it, but if a student can go to LaVilla instead of Butler (sorry, truth hurts) because of their artistic talents, that's their ticket out. What also got me were various scenes of the Lamp Community with all its homeless.
Though uncomfortable at times, what made this movie a success, in my eyes, was its real-ness. There was no happy ending, no predictable moral. One of its unexpected lessons was the importance of meeting people where they are and moving forward with them from that point. We spend so much time trying to tell other people what they should do or think or be. We project ourselves onto each other, as if our own life with all its ideals and experiences is THE way to live. Lopez went through that with Ayers, and in the end (if there is an end), he realized that he couldn't change Ayers because that's not what Ayers wanted or needed.
Bonus: I was SO happy that this movie brought classical music to the general public through the medium of film. I'm hoping it instilled some music appreciation. The cinematography in conjunction with the music was incredible.
Sidenote: I set aside my not-so-secret crush on Robert Downey Jr. while writing this post.
4.28.2009
Helping or Enabling?
I vowed to myself long ago that I would never give cash to a stranger who approached me with that request. I don't care what or how convincing the story is, I won't budge. What solidified this decision for me was a guest speaker who came to visit my college writing class (back in 2003...my word, has it been 6 years?). The guest (I believe his name was Spencer) worked at a local homeless shelter/rehab facility and was a friend of my professor, Chris Dew. Hearing Spencer's first-hand experience with addicts (most of whom were homeless) made me decide that the worst thing I could do was give them money.
This is very different from my father's mentality which goes something like this: "It's not my job to know what they're going to spend it on. It's my job to give. What they do with it is between them and God. If I get to heaven and Jesus says, 'John, why didn't you give me help when I asked you?', I'll respond by saying, 'I did help you. Why did you go spend it on blow?'"
Yup, that's my dad.
What I'm willing to do, instead, is give the person food or buy them what they need if I'm in a position to do so. The corner of I-95 and Park is a typical place for people to hang out and ask for money, especially because it's one of the longest stop-lights in Jacksonville, I'm convinced. I have rolled down my window, listened to their request, and told them no, "But would you like this half of a sandwich I didn't eat?" Sometimes I get a taker, other times they turn and walk away.
This past Wednesday evening, I was about to walk into a CVS when a young man approached me with a baby girl in a shopping cart. He started telling me his story and something about his baby daughter (who looked totally healthy), and when he finally said, "So if you could spare some change or cash..." I told him I didn't have any cash (which was true). He was about to walk away and I asked him what he needed for his daughter. He looked at me for a second, confused. "I won't give you cash, but I'm about to go into CVS and can buy what you need for her." Still looking a little dumbfounded he said, "Size 4 diapers, a drink, and a snack." Before I went in, I looked at him and almost demanded that he wait right there. "Oh, well my mom's car is right over there in the parking lot", he said. "No, you need to wait right here for your stuff." He agreed. s
The whole time I was in CVS, I kept worrying that this was going to be some big joke: I'd buy the stuff, walk outside, and he'd magically disappear. Thankfully, he was still there, and his mom was there too. They thanked me and I went on my way.
Now, I'm happy to help, and I'm glad that I had the opportunity to do so. But am I convinced that they were actually in need? No. It all seemed like a ploy. This man was wheeling this baby girl around the entire parking lot, going from person to person. It just seemed...whack, for lack of a better word. Oh well.
I just hate to think that I'm enabling someone. What do you think??
This is very different from my father's mentality which goes something like this: "It's not my job to know what they're going to spend it on. It's my job to give. What they do with it is between them and God. If I get to heaven and Jesus says, 'John, why didn't you give me help when I asked you?', I'll respond by saying, 'I did help you. Why did you go spend it on blow?'"
Yup, that's my dad.
What I'm willing to do, instead, is give the person food or buy them what they need if I'm in a position to do so. The corner of I-95 and Park is a typical place for people to hang out and ask for money, especially because it's one of the longest stop-lights in Jacksonville, I'm convinced. I have rolled down my window, listened to their request, and told them no, "But would you like this half of a sandwich I didn't eat?" Sometimes I get a taker, other times they turn and walk away.
This past Wednesday evening, I was about to walk into a CVS when a young man approached me with a baby girl in a shopping cart. He started telling me his story and something about his baby daughter (who looked totally healthy), and when he finally said, "So if you could spare some change or cash..." I told him I didn't have any cash (which was true). He was about to walk away and I asked him what he needed for his daughter. He looked at me for a second, confused. "I won't give you cash, but I'm about to go into CVS and can buy what you need for her." Still looking a little dumbfounded he said, "Size 4 diapers, a drink, and a snack." Before I went in, I looked at him and almost demanded that he wait right there. "Oh, well my mom's car is right over there in the parking lot", he said. "No, you need to wait right here for your stuff." He agreed. s
The whole time I was in CVS, I kept worrying that this was going to be some big joke: I'd buy the stuff, walk outside, and he'd magically disappear. Thankfully, he was still there, and his mom was there too. They thanked me and I went on my way.
Now, I'm happy to help, and I'm glad that I had the opportunity to do so. But am I convinced that they were actually in need? No. It all seemed like a ploy. This man was wheeling this baby girl around the entire parking lot, going from person to person. It just seemed...whack, for lack of a better word. Oh well.
I just hate to think that I'm enabling someone. What do you think??
4.02.2009
Something Cool
One of the things we did during our 40-day program Monday night sessions was a guided meditation followed by a written response. Before we started, everyone was given a small piece of paper and writing utensil. With eyes closed, Melanie led us through a meditation that went something like this:
You are walking down a dirt road. There are rocks and boulders on either side. No one is in sight. You feel the hot air on your skin and look up at the sky and trees as you walk. Far off in the distance, you see a figure. As you keep walking, you realize that it's another person. Even closer, you realize it is a child. You are a few feet away from the child now, and you realize that this child is you. You bend down to look into his/her/your eyes for a moment. You want to give this child one piece of advice, the most important piece you can fathom now that you are an adult. You hold the child by the shoulders, look into her/her eyes and tell them that one thing. You embrace.
After coming out of the meditation, we opened our eyes and Melanie asked us to write down that once piece of advice on the paper. We then folded it up and passed it to the right and the left and the right, over and over again until our paper had traveled to the other side of the circle. We were then allowed to unfold and read the advice someone else gave to him/herself as a child. The one I received was as follows:
I cherish this for many reasons, but mostly because it came from the depths of another person's soul, memory, meditation. It's such an intimate thing, and the fact that we could share that with each other as a group was extremely powerful.
So, what one thing would you tell yourself, as a child?
What advice did I give my child-self?: Love.
You are walking down a dirt road. There are rocks and boulders on either side. No one is in sight. You feel the hot air on your skin and look up at the sky and trees as you walk. Far off in the distance, you see a figure. As you keep walking, you realize that it's another person. Even closer, you realize it is a child. You are a few feet away from the child now, and you realize that this child is you. You bend down to look into his/her/your eyes for a moment. You want to give this child one piece of advice, the most important piece you can fathom now that you are an adult. You hold the child by the shoulders, look into her/her eyes and tell them that one thing. You embrace.
After coming out of the meditation, we opened our eyes and Melanie asked us to write down that once piece of advice on the paper. We then folded it up and passed it to the right and the left and the right, over and over again until our paper had traveled to the other side of the circle. We were then allowed to unfold and read the advice someone else gave to him/herself as a child. The one I received was as follows:
You can always change your way of thinking and being no matter where you come from.
I cherish this for many reasons, but mostly because it came from the depths of another person's soul, memory, meditation. It's such an intimate thing, and the fact that we could share that with each other as a group was extremely powerful.
So, what one thing would you tell yourself, as a child?
What advice did I give my child-self?: Love.
3.30.2009
Disappointment + Decisions
I'm disappointed in myself for not posting in over a month. To sum up, the 40-day program was phenomenal and yoga has become a part of my routine. I feel weird without it. What do they say? It takes 21 days to create a habit? If I'm able to do yoga 6 days/week for approx. 6 weeks, then I feel that I'm able to do just about anything regarding exercise. I wish I had documented my progress throughout the program, but I didn't. I'm sure it'll come out in pieces here and there.
I'm also disappointed in the fact that I gained weight from doing that program. Though it wasn't my intention to lose weight, it also wasn't my intention to gain. My only conclusion is that the weight-gain is due to muscle (which is great). But still, it's no fun waking up one morning only to learn that more than half of your pants don't fit anymore. My Bauer-butt has increased in size (or so it seems). For those of you who don't know, the Bauer-butt is a term my sisters and cousins have created to describe our butts. Finding a pair of pants that fit can be taxing. What usually happens is that pants will fit everywhere but the waist, which just kinda sticks out because our butts fill in the back but our waists are small. ::sigh::
Now to the most pressing issue: work. Once again, the security of my position for next year is up in the air. For the 09-10 school year, art has been cut from 5 days to 4 at S.P. So, if I retained my position there, that would mean 4 days at S.P. and 1 day at another school. That's a big IF, though. DCPS has called for a 30% reduction in art teachers at the elementary level; this amounts to 26-28 teaching positions. This means that seniority comes into play, and because I only have 2 yrs. in the system, I am @ the top of the list for being surplussed or terminated. Overall, I'm just happy that there will still be art at my school, whether or not I'm the teacher. It is, however, discouraging; I feel that I've laid a really good foundation this year in my 2nd round of teaching, and to think that I wouldn't be able to build further upon that f-in blows....not to mention all the connections and relationships I've made with the Cummer Museum, the Weaver program, the Chartrand Foundation, etc., and all that they have contributed to the arts at our school.
After being pissed off, sad, and all of those productive things, I decided to just do my job to the best of my ability for the remainder of the year because I am still employed, thankfully. I've decided not to worry about next year because it doesn't exist yet. In the meantime, I'm making a mental list of what I will/could do if teaching is not in the cards for me after this year. I must admit that I get excited when i think about these options:
-move to the area where I'd like to attend grad school and start taking post-bacc. classes.
-apply to graduate school (I have my eye on New Mexico & Arizona)
-move overseas and teach English (Hello, Japan!)
-work for Cathedral Arts Project and paint and exhibit more
-apply for a paid internship at the MOMA in NYC
If I do lose my job, I know that I don't want to work for the public school system ever again...not in Florida, anyways. It is one of the most corrupt institutions I have ever experienced, and I do not want to be a part of that system. I've decided that FCAT will be and is the demise of public education in our state. Teachers are encouraged to "teach to the test"; if a grade level isn't going to be tested in science, then those teachers are not supposed to "waste time" teaching science. I think 3rd grade isn't tested in writing, so teachers are told not to have writing instruction.
?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!
Anyways, I suppose that's enough for a new post....
I'm also disappointed in the fact that I gained weight from doing that program. Though it wasn't my intention to lose weight, it also wasn't my intention to gain. My only conclusion is that the weight-gain is due to muscle (which is great). But still, it's no fun waking up one morning only to learn that more than half of your pants don't fit anymore. My Bauer-butt has increased in size (or so it seems). For those of you who don't know, the Bauer-butt is a term my sisters and cousins have created to describe our butts. Finding a pair of pants that fit can be taxing. What usually happens is that pants will fit everywhere but the waist, which just kinda sticks out because our butts fill in the back but our waists are small. ::sigh::
Now to the most pressing issue: work. Once again, the security of my position for next year is up in the air. For the 09-10 school year, art has been cut from 5 days to 4 at S.P. So, if I retained my position there, that would mean 4 days at S.P. and 1 day at another school. That's a big IF, though. DCPS has called for a 30% reduction in art teachers at the elementary level; this amounts to 26-28 teaching positions. This means that seniority comes into play, and because I only have 2 yrs. in the system, I am @ the top of the list for being surplussed or terminated. Overall, I'm just happy that there will still be art at my school, whether or not I'm the teacher. It is, however, discouraging; I feel that I've laid a really good foundation this year in my 2nd round of teaching, and to think that I wouldn't be able to build further upon that f-in blows....not to mention all the connections and relationships I've made with the Cummer Museum, the Weaver program, the Chartrand Foundation, etc., and all that they have contributed to the arts at our school.
After being pissed off, sad, and all of those productive things, I decided to just do my job to the best of my ability for the remainder of the year because I am still employed, thankfully. I've decided not to worry about next year because it doesn't exist yet. In the meantime, I'm making a mental list of what I will/could do if teaching is not in the cards for me after this year. I must admit that I get excited when i think about these options:
-move to the area where I'd like to attend grad school and start taking post-bacc. classes.
-apply to graduate school (I have my eye on New Mexico & Arizona)
-move overseas and teach English (Hello, Japan!)
-work for Cathedral Arts Project and paint and exhibit more
-apply for a paid internship at the MOMA in NYC
If I do lose my job, I know that I don't want to work for the public school system ever again...not in Florida, anyways. It is one of the most corrupt institutions I have ever experienced, and I do not want to be a part of that system. I've decided that FCAT will be and is the demise of public education in our state. Teachers are encouraged to "teach to the test"; if a grade level isn't going to be tested in science, then those teachers are not supposed to "waste time" teaching science. I think 3rd grade isn't tested in writing, so teachers are told not to have writing instruction.
?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!
Anyways, I suppose that's enough for a new post....
2.17.2009
Cleanse*
*I never finished this post but wanted to publish it anyways...this feels like forever ago.
Yesterday started my 3-day fruit cleanse for the 40 day program. This entails 3 days of eating nothing but fruit...avocado and tomato count as do fruit juices and tomato soup. This is day 2, and I have never been more thankful for tomato soup than I am at this moment. I don't even like tomato soup! And I never thought I'd say this, but I'm tired of eating things that are sweet. After this fruit cleanse is over, I can't see myself picking up a piece of chocolate or anything with a lot of sugar. I'm all sugar-ed out. This cleanse is also doing wonders to my digestive system...I'll leave that to your imagination. I feel good though...lighter, brighter, cleaner. It's interesting though, how much food affects you. So many times we just eat because we're bored (my vice) or upset or restless. Eating only fruit is making me realize how much food I DON'T need to eat and still feel nourished and be able to function. Yes, it is possible to do an hour and half yoga practice only on fruit :)
Yesterday started my 3-day fruit cleanse for the 40 day program. This entails 3 days of eating nothing but fruit...avocado and tomato count as do fruit juices and tomato soup. This is day 2, and I have never been more thankful for tomato soup than I am at this moment. I don't even like tomato soup! And I never thought I'd say this, but I'm tired of eating things that are sweet. After this fruit cleanse is over, I can't see myself picking up a piece of chocolate or anything with a lot of sugar. I'm all sugar-ed out. This cleanse is also doing wonders to my digestive system...I'll leave that to your imagination. I feel good though...lighter, brighter, cleaner. It's interesting though, how much food affects you. So many times we just eat because we're bored (my vice) or upset or restless. Eating only fruit is making me realize how much food I DON'T need to eat and still feel nourished and be able to function. Yes, it is possible to do an hour and half yoga practice only on fruit :)
2.04.2009
Awake
I got to work an hour late yesterday because I slept through/turned off all three alarms without getting up. I'm not a morning person---never have been---and if I don't get my shower-time in (which helps me wake up), I feel like a zombie (literally) ALL day. And then I have to hear people say, "Man, you look tired!" which annoys me to high heaven. It's like someone telling you that you look sick :P Anyways, I blame part of this over-sleeping on attending the hour and a half yoga class Monday night, and the group session directly after. I didn't get home until 10pm, and didn't get into bed until midnight. My body decided I needed a full 8 hours, so I guess I can't argue with that.
So I have 1 week of the 40-day program under my belt, and it feels wonderful. I've become aware of a lot of things in that short period of time, so I can only imagine what the next few weeks will bring to the surface. There are these excavation questions we have to answer which correspond to the meditation theme for the week. Actually putting a pen to paper and writing down the answers was awakening; we think we know ourselves, but so much gets lost in translation when those thoughts are left to just float around in our heads. When "forced" to move your thoughts from the abstract to the concrete, it becomes clear...or clearer.
Overall, I feel myself making a return to emotion. What I mean is that I've spent the past several months somewhat numb, mostly due to the end of a 5yr. relationship; those last few months in the relationship were particularly draining to the point of emotional exhaustion. So I gave up on emotions for a while, which denied the sensitive part of who I am. I'm noticing that I'm not as afraid to feel the good, bad, and the ugly. At the same time though, I notice myself being very sensitive to other people and their life situations/emotions. I have a tendency to take responsibility for others emotions, so I'm working on a balance.
I must admit, I'm not quite as excited this week as I was last week....not as easily motivated. I'm determined and happy to push through it, though.
As we say at the end of class, Namaste.
More on my meditation struggles later...
So I have 1 week of the 40-day program under my belt, and it feels wonderful. I've become aware of a lot of things in that short period of time, so I can only imagine what the next few weeks will bring to the surface. There are these excavation questions we have to answer which correspond to the meditation theme for the week. Actually putting a pen to paper and writing down the answers was awakening; we think we know ourselves, but so much gets lost in translation when those thoughts are left to just float around in our heads. When "forced" to move your thoughts from the abstract to the concrete, it becomes clear...or clearer.
Overall, I feel myself making a return to emotion. What I mean is that I've spent the past several months somewhat numb, mostly due to the end of a 5yr. relationship; those last few months in the relationship were particularly draining to the point of emotional exhaustion. So I gave up on emotions for a while, which denied the sensitive part of who I am. I'm noticing that I'm not as afraid to feel the good, bad, and the ugly. At the same time though, I notice myself being very sensitive to other people and their life situations/emotions. I have a tendency to take responsibility for others emotions, so I'm working on a balance.
I must admit, I'm not quite as excited this week as I was last week....not as easily motivated. I'm determined and happy to push through it, though.
As we say at the end of class, Namaste.
More on my meditation struggles later...
1.27.2009
I am ecstatic.
Yesterday began the M Body Yoga "40 Days to a Personal Revolution" program. This program includes the following each week:
-5 studio practices
-1 home practice
-1 day of rest
-2, daily meditations (morning, evening)
-In week 3, we do a 3-day fruit cleanse (That'll be interesting. I may call some of you whining).
-keeping a journal of daily food intake and things in general
-Monday night group sessions
Our 1st group session was last night, and we had to introduce ourselves and announce why we are doing this program. I hadn't thought about this extensively; I knew I wanted to do it for physical and emotional well-being. But when it was my turn to speak, what came out of my mouth was, "I'm tired of making excuses. I fill my life up with so many distractions to the point that I am unable to feel centered & feel good about my core...I'm not sure I've ever felt centered."
Hmm....thank you, inner-voice, for speaking the f*** up. lol :) After the next few people shared, I thought about what I'd said, and I realized that I'm also doing this to work on living in the present. Not doing this has been the cause of much anxiety and sometimes depression...which is just dumb (easy for me to say that now when I'm feeling so great). The last thing that helped me with that was my internship at Wolfson Children's Hospital. Your worries about life are put into perspective when 5-18 yr. olds are battling leukemia and you're perfectly healthy. More on that later.
So far, I am on track. I've done the meditations and have gone to the studio to practice both yesterday and today. I feel great. Really. I had more to say, but I think I'll stop there for now. A shower is in order.
-5 studio practices
-1 home practice
-1 day of rest
-2, daily meditations (morning, evening)
-In week 3, we do a 3-day fruit cleanse (That'll be interesting. I may call some of you whining).
-keeping a journal of daily food intake and things in general
-Monday night group sessions
Our 1st group session was last night, and we had to introduce ourselves and announce why we are doing this program. I hadn't thought about this extensively; I knew I wanted to do it for physical and emotional well-being. But when it was my turn to speak, what came out of my mouth was, "I'm tired of making excuses. I fill my life up with so many distractions to the point that I am unable to feel centered & feel good about my core...I'm not sure I've ever felt centered."
Hmm....thank you, inner-voice, for speaking the f*** up. lol :) After the next few people shared, I thought about what I'd said, and I realized that I'm also doing this to work on living in the present. Not doing this has been the cause of much anxiety and sometimes depression...which is just dumb (easy for me to say that now when I'm feeling so great). The last thing that helped me with that was my internship at Wolfson Children's Hospital. Your worries about life are put into perspective when 5-18 yr. olds are battling leukemia and you're perfectly healthy. More on that later.
So far, I am on track. I've done the meditations and have gone to the studio to practice both yesterday and today. I feel great. Really. I had more to say, but I think I'll stop there for now. A shower is in order.
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